How to improve your relationship.
Discover your partners strategies for feeling loved.
Today, you’re going to learn a very simple NLP technique to improve your closest relationship. When people have issues with their partner or spouse, it’s usually down to one of two reasons.
One, each person has different values, beliefs or things that are important to them about life and a void is created that can grow wider and wider as the conflicting values get stronger and stronger, until the couple grow apart entirely.
The second reason which is often more common is that we each have different ways of experiencing feeling supported and loved. There are 7 billion people on the planet and every single human being has a different way of feeling loved, and you need to observe and know what your partners is, so you can realise it for them, so they can feel loved. And they need to observe and know what yours is and fulfil it so you feel loved too. And it’s a cycle. You fulfil their love strategy and they fulfil your love strategy and everything’s rosy.
The issues come when you either don’t know or you forget your partners love strategy. In that case you often will default to your own. To show love you do the strategy that works for you.
Let’s go through the 3 categories of love strategies so you can see how different they each are. The categories are, seeing, hearing and feeling. To feel loved you may need to be brought somewhere or bought something or shown something, you might have to see something, your partner smile in a certain way or display something visually for you to feel loved. Or, you may have a more auditory love strategy, you may need to hear certain words from your partner, in a certain tone of voice. Perhaps you have a kinesthetic love strategy, you need a hug and a squeeze or a certain kind of touch. Or you need a mix of all 3. You are unique as is your partner so it’s really important to know what they need.
If your partners is to be taken out for dinner or given flowers and shown love that way and your love strategy is a touch, the way your held by your partner you can see how things can get overlooked easily and become disconnected.
So you can ask yourself what is your love strategy? Are you taken places and bought things?, Do you need to hear that you’re loved with special words or in a particular tone of voice? Or do you need to be touched by your partner to really feel loved and supported? Further to this you can add detail on frequency, timing and any other considerations that really make you feel loved. Some people need a cuddle every morning to feel loved but if you’re being
cuddled all day long, for most that can get a little overbearing and will work the opposite way. Also, maybe you need gentle hugs but you’re getting big strong bear hugs.
Psychologists say that the honeymoon period works so well for couples because we’re working through all manner and all combinations of these seeing, hearing and feeling strategies, buying flowers, taking our partner to restaurants, serenading them, giving them cuddles, looking at them in loving ways. Adopting a loving tone of voice. Writing little notes for each other. We work through all senses to find what works.
Unfortunately, as the relationship progresses, we tend to fall into default and show love based on our own strategy only. And that’s the mistake. Each partner relaxes into doing what works just for them and soon each partner starts to feel unfulfilled. The person who likes to hear that they’re loved just does that for the other person, the person who likes to see that they’re loved just does that for the other person and the person who needs to feel loved with touch just does that for the other person. We forget that our partner still wants to find those little notes or be taken for a surprise dinner every so often.
This increasing feeling of unfulfillment in the relationship can be remedied very quickly by discovering the details of each parties love strategy. So, after discovering your own, ask yourself what is your partners love strategy?
Instead of asking outright which can sound weird and off putting, notice what your partner does for you in a loving way, because that’s usually exactly what they need. If they buy you presents start to buy them presents. If they give you a hug every morning experiment by adding a hug every evening. If they say ‘I love you’ several times a day, send them a surprise voice message every so often saying ‘I love you’ As they start to feel more fulfilled the conversation can become more open to your specific needs. You can have an open chat where you say Can you please do this more often for me so I can feel more loved? And the two-way love strategy can start running and improving your relationship.